The Zodiac According to Deppville
Aries: Agent Jeffrey Sheldon Sands
Dates: 21 March - 20 April
Motto: 'I am! and you are nothing!'
A typical Aries has lots of energy and enthusiasm, and is never afraid of repeating the same mistakes over and over again. And he does not hesitate to make a new mistake. An Aries likes to start things and organize around. Hey, I'm bored, I'm going to stir up things in Mexico. And isn't shooting cooks and wearing t-shirts with infantile humour prints fun! Oops, I lost my eyes, but hey, who cares, let's go do some shooting! Bang bang bang! I am going to freak right out!
Taurus: Mort Rainey
Dates: 21 April - 21 May
Motto: 'I own things.'
A Taurean is known to be very slow, very down-to earth, stubborn and lazy. And he hates changes. Mort spends most of his time lying on the couch eating junk food. He develops an interest in gardening, which is a definite Taurus thing, and it takes him some years to realize that his marriage is over. This is not my beautiful wife -anymore. Yes, it's bad losing a wife, but he lost a house too! It is hard to get any emotional response from a Taurean, but when they finally get mad, you wish you hadn't even tried. Time for the shovel...
Gemini: Captain Jack Sparrow
Dates: 22 May - 21 June
Motto: 'I think about all kind of things.'
Geminis, they are lively, flighty, restless, self-centered and freedom-loving children of the moment, and most of them never grow up. Some even say they are annoying. A guy who talks himself out of trouble, and talks himself into trouble and even loses his ship because he can't keep a secret - can there be a more typical Gemini? Lively, happy, totally egocentric and honestly dishonest. Who's side is he on? At the moment?
Cancer: Gilbert Grape
Dates: 22 June - 22 July
Motto: 'I love my things.'
Cancers are emotional and care deeply for their home and families. And a guy who wears an apron while making love can't be anything else than a Cancer. He is a domestic guy and takes care of his family, because he is Gilbert. He is sensitive and shy and afraid of public humiliation as all Cancers, even to the point that he rather burns down his home than becomes the laughing stock of the neighbourhood. And he isn't going anywhere.
Leo: Cesar
Dates: 23 July - 23 August
Motto: 'I reign over all things.'
He did not get his name for nothing. Leo is the trustworthy, steadfast king of the zodiac, who will do nothing when provoked but everything when flattered. The charismatic gipsy king of Paris, warm-hearted and proud, Cesar is dignified even when humiliated, and doesn't he just know how gorgeus he looks on horseback in his pompous dress. Yes, he knows.
Virgo: Constable Ichabod Crane
Dates: 24 August - 23 September
Motto: 'I analyze things.'
Virgos are meticulous, pedantic perfectionists, they tend to be shy and prudent, and they make better accountants than heros. They have a tendency to worry and lose themselves in details. Their approach to life is down-to-earth. They don't understand anything they can't categorize. Yes, there isn't a headless horseman, there never was a headless horseman and there never will be a headless horseman. And you must never move the body! Ichabod also suffers from the typical suppression of feelings and painful memories. And being a Virgo, he values neatness. Spiders, I am going to faint!
Libra: Don Juan DeMarco
Dates: 24 September - 23 October
Motto: 'I love beautiful things.'
Libras - charming, social, diplomatic - and vain. A man who can charm 1502 women and one male psychiatrist, no, a whole board of them, can't be anything else than a Libra. He lives for love and beauty, and even if doesn't wear pink, the Libra's fave colour, he pays attention to dressing right for each occasion be it a night at the harem or a stroll on the beach. Take a look at those women waving him goodbye and you will understand that he is a great diplomatist too.
Scorpio: Inspector Fred Abberline
Dates: 24 October - 22 November
Motto: 'I am going to the bottom of this thing.'
Scorpios are fascinated with the dark side of life, driven by the unconscious depths of the mind. They are attracted by things like crime, death -and pretty prostitutes. Deep down they are sensitive but they would rather die than admit it. The emotions of a Scorpio are deep and intense but their self-constraint is awesome. Abberline doesn't even bat an eye at a sight that makes the surgeon turn green in the morgue. Scorpios are not afraid of anything - except themselves and their hidden passions. Most definitely.
Sagittarius: Roux
Dates: 23 November - 22 December
Motto: 'Don't you worry 'bout the thing.'
There are two kinds of Sagittarians: the first one is a preacher with a conviction eager to enlighten the ignorant, because he knows the only truth - and the second one is the peace-loving, guitar-playing long-haired hippie not wanting to grow roots anywhere - yes, Roux the riverrat, the wandering minstrel. He is optimistic, sure of himself and doesn't take offence of petty folk's prejudices or care a damn of what others think of him. He can fix a squeak or two for you, but before long he will be longing for his freedom, and drifting towards new adventures.
Capricorn: Agent Donnie Brasco
Dates: 23 December - 20 January
Motto: 'I use things.'
Capricorns have a serious attitude towards life. Humour, what's that? Have you ever seen Donnie laugh? Yes, he's the typical Capricorn, a tough guy with a stoneface, loyal, but still ready to sacrifice his family and new friends to accomplish his assignment. Well it might make him a little sad, but duty comes always first. He is ambitious, disciplined, patient, calm and strong-willed, even cold. Except when he's in a capricious mood. Which happen very frequently.
Aquarius: Willy Wonka
Dates: 21 January - 19 February
Motto: 'I invent things and know everything.'
Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka, the amazing chocolatier, you are really weird! Aquarius - the mad scientist, the utopist, the brilliant quirk fascinated by technology, strong-willed and inventive. Only an Aquarian would get the idea of replacing a meal by a chewing gum. He is socially challenged and doesn't do any small talk, because he isn't interested in the opinions of others.He doesn't care.He is constantly ashtonished himself of how awesome and brilliant he really is, but he has some problems too: Children - ew! Parents -double ew!
Pisces: William Blake
Dates: 20 February - 20 March
Motto: 'Life the universe and everything.'
He is confused, confusing and utterly lost, living in a world where nodoby knows the way. He does not know where he is going or why, but it really doesn't matter to him. That's the way a typical Piscean lives, but they really do not care about ordinary life. Pisceans tend to withdraw into the dream world when things go wrong, and that happens frequently to them, because they are good at stirring up trouble without intention. Things just happen to them. It's like floating in a boat without oars. And if he had oars, he'd rather write an ode to them than use them for rowing.